I've done a lot of things I regret. I've told a lot of lies. Sometimes this keeps me awake at night.
I don't think I'm a naturally deceptive person, I think I just started doing it as a way to survive. My teenage years were very controlled, naturally I rebelled. But this has created a complex of ingrained guilt inside me. And now I still feel that lying is sometimes preferable to telling the truth.
Is it wrong to tell a little white lie? I've come to hate all the questioning that comes with telling the truth. A simple lie and relationships become less complicated. But what is this doing inside me? I'll tell you what it's doing: slowly suffocating me. I question everything now. Every situation has to be planned to the nth degree. Anxiety sets in. Panic consumes.
When does a little lie become a big lie? And is it true what this world sometimes tells me that I only have to be accountable to myself? I know in truth, only God can judge me, though I sometimes fear that one day I'm going to be found out. People will then know my whole world is a facade, and I'm really nothing and nobody and worthless.
Just an insignificant speck on the tapestry of life; I neither give nothing, nor take anything away. Ashes to ashes I'll one day return, and what will be left to remember of me?
Today I lied to a friend about plans I had just so I wouldn't have to go out. This home is my cave, my shelter. But I'm disgusted at the way I have to lie to stay here. I'm so ashamed by the way I feel. It just makes me want to curl up in a ball and die.
2 comments:
I really wish I could help more! how you feel is how you feel you should never be ashamed by that. There's a lot who care about you and love you as you are x
xx
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