I went to the gym about an hour ago. Can't stop the cravings for binges today so I figured I should do something positive to see if it helped.
Not really.
Planning to nap soon as I have to work tomorrow and there is no way I'll be able to go if I'm still tired from Friday. Friday night I stayed out till 2am and forgot to take my evening meds meaning I didn't really sleep at all. I've been having crazy dreams when I sleep lately. Maybe after all these months of no sleep, my body is finally starting to flush out some of the crap going on in my head through these nightmares. The weird thing is I feel like I'm half awake when I sleep yet my body is dead. It's a strange feeling.
Tonight I'm going to church and we're doing our album recording. I've been excited about this for weeks and then my best friend texts me and says she isn't coming. I feel like she is always letting me down. I wonder often what I have done to deserve it. That's put a bit of a shadow over tonight as she and I really get into the singing together. I don't know how shy I'm going to be doing it by myself. I wish God would take away my shyness.
I just ate a large caramello koala and I'm beating myself up about it now. What's the point in burning all the calories at the gym if I'm just going to stuff my face when I get home? I keep looking to food to make me feel better, and it does for a bit, but then all I feel is shame and afraid of the calories I've eaten. Now all I want to do is say 'fuck it' and eat everything in the house. I'm so disgusting. I think the sleep will help distract me and will do me good. I'm never as strong with food when I'm tired.
I'm trying to make a collection of verses and inspirational quotes to go on my pin up board to keep me focused on the positive. Its taking a long time, I had hoped to have it done by Tuesday for DBT but I don't think it's going to happen now unless I do it tomorrow afternoon. Monday is already getting filled up and I hate that feeling, feeling so out of control and overwhelmed by what I have to do.
Time for me to have a rest now, hopefully I can keep the binges at bay.
2 comments:
wow Ash I'm so so sorry you feel that way. I know it means nothing but just empty words but truely I haven't spoken to anyone who sees you as disgusting. You are a beautiful person and that is what is portrayed to us. Also I am sorry that your bestie is not being as supportive as is needed but don't forget that whenever you need it or anything just ask. take care x
it's not just empty words from you honey, i know you've been where I am at. its hard for me to think of anything else but a horrible worthless person and i honestly am not looking for someone to reassure me that I am ok, its just i think it so much in my head, it sometimes comes out in my conversations.
thanks for being a great friend to me. i shouldnt be judgemental and really it wasnt her fault she couldnt come. i just took it as a personal attack which was wrong.
x
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