Went to work today, always a challenge, and now it comes to 6pm and I haven't done half the things I wanted to do.
I haven't been to the gym. Instead I decided it would be a great idea to eat before dinner and now I'm feeling sick because I ate too much. So much for the gym, I think I'll just wallow around like a fat slob instead.
Today I'm struggling with being hot and cold. For example, while I was at work, things were going well and all I could think was, 'why aren't I coming in tomorrow? I don't need DBT, I could work all week if I didn't have to do therapy'. This, of course, is a very stupid thought because I NEED DBT, I just get upset when people at work ask me if I'm working all day or if I'm in tomorrow. I feel like they are judging me as lazy or incompetent, when I know I'm neither of these things. I'm just sick. When will people understand that? Some weeks I feel like I could do all my hours. Some weeks it's hard to do the 8 I have.
The other thing I find I'm hot and cold with is Him. I've gone from telling Him I'll run him over with my car, to now feeling like I can't live without Him again. My feelings are so confusing. I feel like there are two sides of me, both pulling in opposite directions. One wants someone who can care for me and keep me safe, the other wants me to find these things in myself and to isolate. I don't know what is right but I know that I always pull away from Him when I am sickest. So I guess us being close means I'm doing better.
DBT homework is due tomorrow. I've done the bare minimum as usual. I really want to get as much as possible out of this program but I can't get over how exhausted I am. Yes, I'm sleeping better now thanks to the Valdoxan, but I feel like I haven't caught up on the sleep I've been missing since January. Which makes sense I suppose, but it isn't going to stop me beating myself up about it. Speaking of Valdoxan, I can't wait until it starts to kick in. I'm sick of feeling flat or down all the time. I don't want to have to change meds again, I'm still getting side effects from coming off the Prozac. I think if I could make my room a more positive space to be in I'd be ahead of the game. I've so far got two bible verses going up but I really need some more inspirational things. Not cliché though. I hate cliché.
I'm still obsessing about how heavy I am. I wish my doctor would prescribe me Duromine. I know it gets my weight down and it gives me energy. Both things I need. I'll put it out there into cyberspace that that's what I'm really after this week. I'll broach the subject again on Thursday. As a male, I'm not sure he understands how important this is to me. My whole self worth is tied up in this. When I'm depressed I eat, so when I'm fat I'm a failure.
All in all, it hasn't been a horrible day. I managed work and I've managed the day. But that's all I've done. I keep waiting to wake up. I'm waiting for I time when I thrive, rather than just survive.
3 comments:
ur doin great even goin to work, like you typed to me, they dont know unless they've lived it so who cares what they think, they know nothin! here for ya xx
i know... but its hard. they expect us to function like 'normal' people and there is just no way :( its the expectations that get to me..
x
yer the expectations suck! we gotta try not to put what they expect on us though - hard as it is xx
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