***contains possible triggers***
A little unorthodox, but I'm actually writing this at 3am because I can't sleep. I'm hesitant to say the insomnia is back, but so far I've woken up about ten times tonight so it doesn't look promising. It would be easy to say 'it was too good to be true', but I should try to think positive.
I've been thinking about getting tattoos on my arms and thighs to help encourage me to stop cutting. It may seem trite, but if I'd paid all that money for a beautiful piece of art, I wouldn't want to ruin it. Just a thought, but I doubt it will ever happen as I need my arms clean for work. I already have the artwork ready for my thighs though, so that's just a matter of time. Sometimes I see tattoos as just a more socially acceptable form of self harm. I don't know if anyone would agree with me, however, I know that is what they represent for me.
3am is never a good time to be awake. It's sort of half way between here and no where: no one is ever online to talk to, the late sleepers have gone to bed and the early risers aren't up yet. I'd love to have some more insomniacs to talk to at night; though I know late night conversations aren't always healthy.
I'm hesitant to talk about this, because I feel like if I admit it to myself, I also have to admit how wrong I am to think this way: I am scared that I'm getting better. Hear me out on this one. Depression is all I've known my entire teenage and adult life, its completely ingrained in me, its part of who I am. I'm also scared that getting better means that I've got further to fall and the fall is inevitable, I know. But mainly I think I'm scared of what life would be like without depression, without that to fall back on. Honestly, it scares me so much I want to hurt myself, which is crazy. I get better just to go down again? Yet I know that is safe, I know what to expect from being sick, I don't know what to expect from being well. There is also a part of me that is scared that if I start to improve even slightly, the people around me will put the pressure on for me to be better all at once. All these thoughts going through my head are totally overwhelming and all I want to do right now is take some pills and put myself in emergency again. What the hell is wrong with me...? I'll probably start collecting pills now, maybe I'm sicker than I realise. I want to tell my doctor I feel this way but I'm scared of the ridicule that could ensue. I'm scared of being considered a fraud; I'm scared that I'll be told I'm insane.
1 comment:
it isn't crazy what you write, I understand fully. As for collecting pills I think you should definetly tell the doc. It's pretty serious and needs to be put out there so the correct help will be put in place. Thinkn of ya, take care pls xx
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