Tuesday 31st May 2011

***contains possible triggers***

A little unorthodox, but I'm actually writing this at 3am because I can't sleep. I'm hesitant to say the insomnia is back, but so far I've woken up about ten times tonight so it doesn't look promising. It would be easy to say 'it was too good to be true', but I should try to think positive.

I've been thinking about getting tattoos on my arms and thighs to help encourage me to stop cutting. It may seem trite, but if I'd paid all that money for a beautiful piece of art, I wouldn't want to ruin it. Just a thought, but I doubt it will ever happen as I need my arms clean for work. I already have the artwork ready for my thighs though, so that's just a matter of time. Sometimes I see tattoos as just a more socially acceptable form of self harm. I don't know if anyone would agree with me, however, I know that is what they represent for me.

3am is never a good time to be awake. It's sort of half way between here and no where: no one is ever online to talk to, the late sleepers have gone to bed and the early risers aren't up yet. I'd love to have some more insomniacs to talk to at night; though I know late night conversations aren't always healthy.

I'm hesitant to talk about this, because I feel like if I admit it to myself, I also have to admit how wrong I am to think this way: I am scared that I'm getting better. Hear me out on this one. Depression is all I've known my entire teenage and adult life, its completely ingrained in me, its part of who I am. I'm also scared that getting better means that I've got further to fall and the fall is inevitable, I know. But mainly I think I'm scared of what life would be like without depression, without that to fall back on. Honestly, it scares me so much I want to hurt myself, which is crazy. I get better just to go down again? Yet I know that is safe, I know what to expect from being sick, I don't know what to expect from being well. There is also a part of me that is scared that if I start to improve even slightly, the people around me will put the pressure on for me to be better all at once. All these thoughts going through my head are totally overwhelming and all I want to do right now is take some pills and put myself in emergency again. What the hell is wrong with me...? I'll probably start collecting pills now, maybe I'm sicker than I realise. I want to tell my doctor I feel this way but I'm scared of the ridicule that could ensue. I'm scared of being considered a fraud; I'm scared that I'll be told I'm insane.

Monday 30th May 2011

Went to work today, always a challenge, and now it comes to 6pm and I haven't done half the things I wanted to do.

I haven't been to the gym. Instead I decided it would be a great idea to eat before dinner and now I'm feeling sick because I ate too much. So much for the gym, I think I'll just wallow around like a fat slob instead.

Today I'm struggling with being hot and cold. For example, while I was at work, things were going well and all I could think was, 'why aren't I coming in tomorrow? I don't need DBT, I could work all week if I didn't have to do therapy'. This, of course, is a very stupid thought because I NEED DBT, I just get upset when people at work ask me if I'm working all day or if I'm in tomorrow. I feel like they are judging me as lazy or incompetent, when I know I'm neither of these things. I'm just sick. When will people understand that? Some weeks I feel like I could do all my hours. Some weeks it's hard to do the 8 I have.

The other thing I find I'm hot and cold with is Him. I've gone from telling Him I'll run him over with my car, to now feeling like I can't live without Him again. My feelings are so confusing. I feel like there are two sides of me, both pulling in opposite directions. One wants someone who can care for me and keep me safe, the other wants me to find these things in myself and to isolate. I don't know what is right but I know that I always pull away from Him when I am sickest. So I guess us being close means I'm doing better.

DBT homework is due tomorrow. I've done the bare minimum as usual. I really want to get as much as possible out of this program but I can't get over how exhausted I am. Yes, I'm sleeping better now thanks to the Valdoxan, but I feel like I haven't caught up on the sleep I've been missing since January. Which makes sense I suppose, but it isn't going to stop me beating myself up about it. Speaking of Valdoxan, I can't wait until it starts to kick in. I'm sick of feeling flat or down all the time. I don't want to have to change meds again, I'm still getting side effects from coming off the Prozac. I think if I could make my room a more positive space to be in I'd be ahead of the game. I've so far got two bible verses going up but I really need some more inspirational things. Not cliché though. I hate cliché.

I'm still obsessing about how heavy I am. I wish my doctor would prescribe me Duromine. I know it gets my weight down and it gives me energy. Both things I need. I'll put it out there into cyberspace that that's what I'm really after this week. I'll broach the subject again on Thursday. As a male, I'm not sure he understands how important this is to me. My whole self worth is tied up in this. When I'm depressed I eat, so when I'm fat I'm a failure.

All in all, it hasn't been a horrible day. I managed work and I've managed the day. But that's all I've done. I keep waiting to wake up. I'm waiting for I time when I thrive, rather than just survive.

Sunday 29th May 2011

I went to the gym about an hour ago. Can't stop the cravings for binges today so I figured I should do something positive to see if it helped.

Not really.

Planning to nap soon as I have to work tomorrow and there is no way I'll be able to go if I'm still tired from Friday. Friday night I stayed out till 2am and forgot to take my evening meds meaning I didn't really sleep at all. I've been having crazy dreams when I sleep lately. Maybe after all these months of no sleep, my body is finally starting to flush out some of the crap going on in my head through these nightmares. The weird thing is I feel like I'm half awake when I sleep yet my body is dead. It's a strange feeling.

Tonight I'm going to church and we're doing our album recording. I've been excited about this for weeks and then my best friend texts me and says she isn't coming. I feel like she is always letting me down. I wonder often what I have done to deserve it. That's put a bit of a shadow over tonight as she and I really get into the singing together. I don't know how shy I'm going to be doing it by myself. I wish God would take away my shyness.

I just ate a large caramello koala and I'm beating myself up about it now. What's the point in burning all the calories at the gym if I'm just going to stuff my face when I get home? I keep looking to food to make me feel better, and it does for a bit, but then all I feel is shame and afraid of the calories I've eaten. Now all I want to do is say 'fuck it' and eat everything in the house. I'm so disgusting. I think the sleep will help distract me and will do me good. I'm never as strong with food when I'm tired.

I'm trying to make a collection of verses and inspirational quotes to go on my pin up board to keep me focused on the positive. Its taking a long time, I had hoped to have it done by Tuesday for DBT but I don't think it's going to happen now unless I do it tomorrow afternoon. Monday is already getting filled up and I hate that feeling, feeling so out of control and overwhelmed by what I have to do.

Time for me to have a rest now, hopefully I can keep the binges at bay.

Saturday 28th May 2011

I've done a lot of things I regret. I've told a lot of lies. Sometimes this keeps me awake at night.

I don't think I'm a naturally deceptive person, I think I just started doing it as a way to survive. My teenage years were very controlled, naturally I rebelled. But this has created a complex of ingrained guilt inside me. And now I still feel that lying is sometimes preferable to telling the truth.

Is it wrong to tell a little white lie? I've come to hate all the questioning that comes with telling the truth. A simple lie and relationships become less complicated. But what is this doing inside me? I'll tell you what it's doing: slowly suffocating me. I question everything now. Every situation has to be planned to the nth degree. Anxiety sets in. Panic consumes.

When does a little lie become a big lie? And is it true what this world sometimes tells me that I only have to be accountable to myself? I know in truth, only God can judge me, though I sometimes fear that one day I'm going to be found out. People will then know my whole world is a facade, and I'm really nothing and nobody and worthless.

Just an insignificant speck on the tapestry of life; I neither give nothing, nor take anything away. Ashes to ashes I'll one day return, and what will be left to remember of me?

Today I lied to a friend about plans I had just so I wouldn't have to go out. This home is my cave, my shelter. But I'm disgusted at the way I have to lie to stay here. I'm so ashamed by the way I feel. It just makes me want to curl up in a ball and die.