Well I broke up with my boyfriend.
I wouldn't say he's being abusive about it, but he's not taking it well. All he wants to do is rant and rave to me for hours and hours on the phone about how I'm making the worst mistake of my life and what a bad person I've been.
I just want to hide away but I think it might involve just avoiding his calls. I deserve better than how I've been treated, more on that in another blog maybe.
x
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Tuesday 28th June 2011
I spoke to my friend Claire today at DBT who said she has had a look at this blog and I should start it up again so I'm going to try to be more motivated to post a bit more.
I'm really struggling with my relationship with Him at the moment. I know from His perspective everything is going great, but I cant help thinking about the future and to be honest, the future looks bleak and uninviting. I need to talk to Him, but I know its not going to go down well.
We are working on interpersonal skills in DBT at the moment, learning how to respect ourselves so that we can demand respect from other people. Something I often struggle with.
For example yesterday at work, one of the alarms was set off and the police were called. Of course, I'm the one that gets the blame because 'I'm the new white girl' even though it wasn't my fault which was eventually proven. Yet I just sit back and take that criticism from people. OK, no one actually said that I'm the new, white girl, that's just how I feel because I stick out like a sore thumb in that place. It becomes really easy for people to put things on me like that and I need to learn to be more assertive and not take it.
I'm getting better with customers though. that's a positive for me.
To work on ways to respect ourselves, we've been given a sheet for an action plan to implement a basic human right that we've chosen for ourselves. I've chosen two, but the main one I am focusing on is the right to feel good about myself.
Its really interesting going through the action plan to see the sorts of beliefs I have about myself. Eg I must be perfect; and being overweight means I'm bad and lazy.
I was kind of aware that some of these issues had stemmed from my mother but as I was thinking about it I realised that some of the bullying I'd had in primary school had really had an impact on me too. Interesting, because I didn't know I was still carrying that baggage around. It's another area of my life where I'll have to do some forgiving.
You may have noticed I've changed my style of writing a little. I think I'm going to keep it a little more conversational like this to keep the pressure of myself from it being to perfect. I was getting really OCD with my grammar and articulation earlier and it was becoming a burden. Hope it's still readable.
Going to go work on a pros and cons list on my relationship with Him now, see if I can get anything out of that.
x
I'm really struggling with my relationship with Him at the moment. I know from His perspective everything is going great, but I cant help thinking about the future and to be honest, the future looks bleak and uninviting. I need to talk to Him, but I know its not going to go down well.
We are working on interpersonal skills in DBT at the moment, learning how to respect ourselves so that we can demand respect from other people. Something I often struggle with.
For example yesterday at work, one of the alarms was set off and the police were called. Of course, I'm the one that gets the blame because 'I'm the new white girl' even though it wasn't my fault which was eventually proven. Yet I just sit back and take that criticism from people. OK, no one actually said that I'm the new, white girl, that's just how I feel because I stick out like a sore thumb in that place. It becomes really easy for people to put things on me like that and I need to learn to be more assertive and not take it.
I'm getting better with customers though. that's a positive for me.
To work on ways to respect ourselves, we've been given a sheet for an action plan to implement a basic human right that we've chosen for ourselves. I've chosen two, but the main one I am focusing on is the right to feel good about myself.
Its really interesting going through the action plan to see the sorts of beliefs I have about myself. Eg I must be perfect; and being overweight means I'm bad and lazy.
I was kind of aware that some of these issues had stemmed from my mother but as I was thinking about it I realised that some of the bullying I'd had in primary school had really had an impact on me too. Interesting, because I didn't know I was still carrying that baggage around. It's another area of my life where I'll have to do some forgiving.
You may have noticed I've changed my style of writing a little. I think I'm going to keep it a little more conversational like this to keep the pressure of myself from it being to perfect. I was getting really OCD with my grammar and articulation earlier and it was becoming a burden. Hope it's still readable.
Going to go work on a pros and cons list on my relationship with Him now, see if I can get anything out of that.
x
Friday, June 3, 2011
Friday 3rd June 2011
I’ve made a bit of a deal with myself recently that I’m not going to worry too much about my weight. I’m still going to try to eat as best I can in here, but I figure I have enough on my plate at the moment without worrying about something a stupid as being skinny. I can worry about that when I’m better.
Today I’ve started feeling a little better. I think it’s probably just being out from under my mother thumb, I finally have some room to breathe. I feel awful not being grateful for everything she does.
I’m feeling so uninspired at the moment. It’s like this depression has sapped what good was in me. I wish I could write more, but I just can’t.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Thursday 2nd June 2011
I wish I had hope, something to dream about.
Today I came back into hospital. I suppose it’s the right thing for the moment. I have to say though, I’m not happy here.
Wednesday 1st June 2011
The last twenty-four hours have been some of the worst of my entire life. I wish I could say there was a reason but I don't know why. I'm just suicidal all the time and I don't know what to do about it. I rang a few help lines in desperation in the wee hours of this morning. Life line didn't answer me, and suicide call back wasn't that helpful. Tomorrow I'm going to see my doctor and I think he's going to suggest hospitalisation, but all I want to say to him is, 'what good is that going to do?' It's all just prolonging the inevitable.
The only person in this whole world who can cheer me up is Him. I feel so undeserving and I've made so many mistakes, yet He still loves me unconditionally. It's hard for me to grasp. I'm so unworthy. He's the only thing that stopped me killing myself today; He gives me hope and makes me smile. I don't know how He deals with the burden that I am on Him. I can't help thinking that it won't be long before He finds out that I'm not what He thinks I am and finds me wanting.
Just a short blog tonight... not feeling up to writing any more, my feelings are overwhelming me again. Taking it second by second at the moment, I hope I make it to tomorrow.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Tuesday 31st May 2011
***contains possible triggers***
A little unorthodox, but I'm actually writing this at 3am because I can't sleep. I'm hesitant to say the insomnia is back, but so far I've woken up about ten times tonight so it doesn't look promising. It would be easy to say 'it was too good to be true', but I should try to think positive.
I've been thinking about getting tattoos on my arms and thighs to help encourage me to stop cutting. It may seem trite, but if I'd paid all that money for a beautiful piece of art, I wouldn't want to ruin it. Just a thought, but I doubt it will ever happen as I need my arms clean for work. I already have the artwork ready for my thighs though, so that's just a matter of time. Sometimes I see tattoos as just a more socially acceptable form of self harm. I don't know if anyone would agree with me, however, I know that is what they represent for me.
3am is never a good time to be awake. It's sort of half way between here and no where: no one is ever online to talk to, the late sleepers have gone to bed and the early risers aren't up yet. I'd love to have some more insomniacs to talk to at night; though I know late night conversations aren't always healthy.
I'm hesitant to talk about this, because I feel like if I admit it to myself, I also have to admit how wrong I am to think this way: I am scared that I'm getting better. Hear me out on this one. Depression is all I've known my entire teenage and adult life, its completely ingrained in me, its part of who I am. I'm also scared that getting better means that I've got further to fall and the fall is inevitable, I know. But mainly I think I'm scared of what life would be like without depression, without that to fall back on. Honestly, it scares me so much I want to hurt myself, which is crazy. I get better just to go down again? Yet I know that is safe, I know what to expect from being sick, I don't know what to expect from being well. There is also a part of me that is scared that if I start to improve even slightly, the people around me will put the pressure on for me to be better all at once. All these thoughts going through my head are totally overwhelming and all I want to do right now is take some pills and put myself in emergency again. What the hell is wrong with me...? I'll probably start collecting pills now, maybe I'm sicker than I realise. I want to tell my doctor I feel this way but I'm scared of the ridicule that could ensue. I'm scared of being considered a fraud; I'm scared that I'll be told I'm insane.
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